The Wedding That Wasn't, Part I

Since you're reading this, I know you have Internet access. Therefore, I know you have received at least one phishing email from someone trying to scam you out of hundreds or even thousands of dollars, and a few of you have even fallen for some of these con games. The Internet is like a sea full of hungry sharks, and as soon as you indicate weakness, some indication that you are even the slightest bit greedy or gullible -- preferrably both -- it's like blood in the water. If all the spam I've received offering me money were real, I would be a multi-billionaire by now.

As a public service, therefore, here are a few rules to keep in mind if you are contacted by someone offering you money.

1) No one wants to give you money, so 99.9% chance it's a scam. Period. People don't offer you money out of the blue. Even if you're entitled to some money, the people holding it will make it as difficult as possible to collect, because maybe they can use the money to make more money through investments and such; it behooves them to delay paying you as long as possible

2) If you didn't buy a lottery ticket, YOU DIDN'T WIN THE LOTTERY. Especially if it's a lottery you've never heard of, in a country you've never visited. See rule #1

3) If you don't know the person or anyone mentioned in their message, they are not a relative, and even if they are, they aren't going to give you money (if you're that distant a relation that you don't know who they are, why would they leave you money in their will?) See rule #1.

4) No one "selects your email at random" to win money. See Rule #1.

5) If someone wants to smuggle money out of a foreign country because they have come by it by illegitimate means, they're not going to choose YOU to move it. You are not the A-Team. You are not Billy Ocean or any of his associates. Unless you have diplomatic immunity, own a container ship or a reliable submarine, or have ties to banks in the Caiman Islands, you do not have the wherewithal to smuggle large sums of cash (you do know they trace wire transfers for security purposes, right? The sudden appearance of $20 million in the bank account of a school teacher or a cabinet maker is going to raise a few eyebrows.) In any case, even if it was true (which it isn't), secretly transferring large sums of money without declaring it or paying taxes on it is illegal, and not only could YOU lose money, but you could also go to jail for being complicit to a fraud.

6) Learning grammar, syntax and spelling really pays. Even uneducated Americans can speak and write English well enough to be understood and sound American, and while spelling is sometimes a weak point for many people, even middle-school dropouts will know enough to place verbs and nouns in the correct order. Oftentimes, however, since many of the Internet scammers are foreign-born, their grasp of English is usually not so hot. It might not be a fair measure of potential clients or long-lost relatives or legitimate legal entities who are seeking you out to give you money for something, to base your decision to give them access to your money solely on bad grammar or a really thick accent, it's unfortunately still a good practice to distrust anyone who claims to be an American but sounds like the instruction manual for an imported electronic device. ("Please to be sending a checque soonish for very fast processing your happy monies...")

7) No one, and I mean NO ONE accidentally pays $1000 extra for something they bought on the Internet, requiring the seller to send them money back. People can be stupid, but people are pretty tight with their cash, and don't want to spend more than they actually owe. See rule #1!! This leads into today's lesson; please continue reading Part II.